.... Just "Mom"

 
 Today, as I sent my "baby" (youngest of four) off to her first day of middle school and was told there would be "no more kisses in front of friends" and that she didn't "need" me anymore to take her to the bus stop, My broken heart came to the stark realization that...

 My once innocent world of Disney princesses, arts & crafts and bedtime stories has now been replaced with boys, name brand clothes, hair coloring and belly button piercings. I have no "first day of school" pictures to post on Facebook because I am no longer "allowed" to take those kinds of pictures because its "gay, stupid and dumb". Where I was once begged to go on field trips, I am now forbidden to show my face within a 20 mile radius of the school.  I no longer pack lunches with Smiley face I love you notes", I put money into their "lunch account". I will have no more homemade Mother's Day gifts, stick figure pictures on the fridge or hand picked dandelions withering from the clench of small, sweaty hands. And probably the most hardest one of all to swallow.....I am no longer "Mommy", I am now just "Mom".

 As my other kids passed this milestone, I was sad, but it didn't bother me as much because I was excited for them to take that next step and I still had others that were little, so I still had all of those things to look forward to. 
But this time it's different. This time its truly a Game Changer.

 This year will be the first year that no one in my house believes in Santa.  As much as I have longed for this day of not having to shop in secret, hide everything I buy, try to guess exactly which Pokemon cards we "don't" already have (because Santa would know those things), wrap presents at 2 am, or frantically search on line and pay $450,000 for overnight shipping on a Cinderella Castle Playset because someone told Santa 3 days before Christmas that was the ONLY thing she really wanted, I will miss the magic that goes along with having believers. I will miss making reindeer food, taking bites out of cookies and drinking half glasses of milk left for Santa. I will miss reading sweet notes to Santa promising him that they have been good and the excitement of the anticipation of his arrival.  I will miss the 5 am tap of little fingers on my forehead to wake me up because "SANTA WAS HERE!"

 When my kids were "little", people always told me "Oh, enjoy it while it lasts...." I would look at them with my blood shot, no sleep eyes, mashed cookie in my hair,  snot all over my worn for 2 days shirt and think "Are you F-ing kidding me?" At the time, I DID realize what they were saying but I didn't really "GET IT" until now. 

 Looking back at pictures I see those sweet cherub faces that have now grown long and thin, I see those tiny chicklet teeth that now need braces, I see those cute rounded bodies that have now grown tall and muscular and I see those dear little chubby hands that used to reach up to hold mine to cross the street that now have enough dexterity to text 5,800 texts/per month. 

 Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of the beautiful, caring, smart, wonderful people my children are growing into, but man, what I wouldn't give to have one of my babies with that "fresh out of the tub" smell, tucked in their footy PJ's, crawl into my lap with her favorite book, put her sweet little hands on either side of my face, look me directly in my eyes and say "Mommy, I lubb you to the uniberse and back!" one more time. 


 So, to all of my friends with little ones who are reading this now with your bloodshot, no sleep eyes, mashed cookies in your hair, and snot all over your worn for 2 days shirt, listen to me when I say...."Oh, enjoy it while it lasts...!" Because someday soon the magic will be gone and you will be just..."Mom".

The "C" Word....One Year Later......

It’s hard to believe it’s been 1 year since my Mom’s cancer diagnosis. It seems like yesterday, yet seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it’s hard to wrap your brain around the concept of time when you are so busy with life, so many things you take for granted, so much time wasted on stupid, menial things and before you know it, it’s a year later.  So much has happened in this past year, but the day of the diagnosis sticks in your head like a bad song you can’t shake off and remains there, poking it’s head out every now and then to remind you it’s there, to remind you that NOTHING is promised in this life. The funny thing is… LIFE DOES GO ON, without promises and regardless of anything….life goes on.

When something tragic happens, everyone slows down for a bit and it feels like the world has stopped, but it hasn’t, life continues on around it. The day of the Sandy Hook shootings and for weeks after, it felt like the world stopped, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I cried, I was angry, I was glued to the television, I empathized with every one of those parents, I grieved with those parents. I pictured myself being one of those parents, what would I be thinking at that moment? Would I sit in my child’s room and cling to anything that smelled like them and sob and sob and sob? Would I be suicidal? Would I just not care about anything or anyone anymore and just want to die , myself? Did they have to see their children in the morgue? How could they let them go? Ugh, I tortured myself to tears daily. The day of the Boston Marathon bombings, I did the same. I watched them take down the remaining suspect and I cheered that they caught him. I wanted them to destroy him for what he did to those innocent people. But life didn’t stand still for any of the surviving victims/families of those tragedies.  Those Sandy Hook parents still had to take care of their other children, eat, sleep, go back to work. The injured Boston Marathon victims still have a long road ahead, to heal, to learn to live life in a totally different way, mentally and physically. And the families of those killed have to suffer a loss like no other.  In the weeks and months after a tragedy like this happens, the world eventually stops talking about it, but the victims don’t stop thinking about it, they never will. It will keep poking itself in their thoughts, reminding them that nothing is promised in this life.  

I am what is called an “absorber”, always have been, which I have come to learn is a bad thing. I absorb the problems of others as if they were my own and it affects me very deeply. I guess in some ways it’s a good thing, because I do believe it has taught me compassion and empathy which are two very important qualities to have as a nurse. However, it deeply affects my emotions and at times leaves me paralyzed, finding it very difficult to continue on with daily activities. My grandmother (who I got my “worrying” genes from) once told me when I was terribly saddened by something that happened to someone else, “Steffi, it’s not your cross to bear, you will have your own crosses, save your energy for your own crosses”. Her words are right, but it’s a hard trait to shake.

My Mom’s cancer has been one of my crosses to bear. Not only because I love her and I don’t want to lose her, but because I feel so badly for her to have to go through all she has with this diagnosis. Cancer is mean. It robs your looks, your health, your emotions and your general enjoyment of life, if you survive it. Even if you beat it, it always lingers in the corner of your thoughts taunting you that it could come back and that it will always be a part of your life. I HATE CANCER! I hate it like I hate the shooter at Sandy hook, like I hate the Boston Marathon bombers, like I hate anyone or anything that robs someone of something and gives them no choice but to think about it every single day of their lives. I HATE IT!!

I could dwell on my hated of cancer forever, but it would eat me alive and I refuse to let it do that. I will try and look at things through my Mom’s eyes, who even  after multiple surgeries, infections, medications (some requiring bone scans and blood work to even be able to take) and more “procedures” than I can even remember, still always sees the glass half full, not half empty like me. I am trying to focus on the positive things that have come out of this year. Like the amazing friends and family we have that came out of the woodwork to support my Mom in this journey to fight this bastard. We walked in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk last October as Team Jody’s Jugs with the most wonderful group of family and friends anyone could ever ask for supporting us. We raised $4,667.68, which was 16^th place out of 347 teams. It’s actually an incredible amount considering the only teams that raised more than us were large organizations. So, in light of the amazing generosity and support I have seen from the wonderful people in my life, I will try and focus not on my hatred of cancer but on continuing to support my Mom in her FIGHT AGAINST cancer.  I will be proud of both of us because this 1 year anniversary also marks the 1 year anniversary of us quitting smoking (with the exception of a drunken slip up here and there with my favorite Hooka’s). Anyone who knows me knows THAT is an accomplishment of a lifetime for me. And I will also try to stop being an “absorber”, unless it’s to absorb some of my Mom’s positive outlook on life. I will try and look at all of this in a positive manner, be grateful for the closer friendships I have formed from it and I will try and learn something from it because life will continue to go on, without promises and regardless of anything. As my Mom said to my gasping reaction to her when she was looking at revealing bathing suits to show off her new Boobies, “ I am using this experience as a chance to reinvent myself”.  Go Mama Go!!

True Love

What is True Love? When asked that question most people envision a young vibrant couple walking hand in hand through a park with their whole lives ahead of them, unable to keep their hands off of each other, planning a future together, with smiles and excitement, with an electrical physical attraction. You can almost see the love bubbles popping in the air. But I have come to realize, during a very sad time, through the eyes of my grandparents, it is so, so much more. It is about a bond that is formed when sharing this journey of life with someone. It is about all the experiences, good and bad, that you march through, together, hand in hand.  It’s not about physical attraction, sex, money, materialistic gifts or romance. It is about the most pure, unconditional, deepest feelings about another human being that generates from the depths of your soul.

This week I watched as my feeble (sometimes confused) 95 year old grandfather approached my gravely ill grandmother’s hospital bed. Their eyes met and no words needed to be spoken. There was a stronger communication there then words could ever accomplish. I watched as he gently took her hand in his.  I looked at those hands, fitting together like a perfect puzzle piece and thought of all the things those hands have experienced together. Those hands first met and held each other almost 70 years ago when my grandfather came home from the war and had to break the news to my grandmother that her fiancé (my grandfather’s brother) had been killed in WWII. At that time, those hands held each other through comfort and mutual grieving. From that moment forward, those hands went on to hold each other through a first date, walks in the park, sharing a soda at the church dance, marriage vows, building their own house together brick by brick, sickness, happiness, financial woes, the death of their parents and siblings and the birth of their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Those hands held each other through excitement and sadness, through trials and tribulations, through grieving and loss and through happiness for 70 years. No wonder they fit together like a perfect puzzle piece, they have been molded together by true love.

We tend to lose sight of what is truly valuable in life. We are caught up in this busy world of technology and media brainwash of what your life “should be” and what you “need” to be happy and what a “happy marriage” consists of. For Christ sake, there are books, magazines and psychologists that get paid money to tell you these things. But none of those things matter, really. What really matters is having someone in your life to share your experiences with. Someone to stand by you regardless of what your hair looks like or how much weight you’ve gained, just that one person who has experienced it all with you to be there to hold your hand when you need it.

We have always given my grandfather a hard time because he’s not the most romantic guy in the world. He never splurged on lavish gifts for my grandmother or romantic dinners; he has always been very practical. His Idea of a gift is putting new handles on the pots and pans and shining them up to make it easier for her to cook. But while we gave him a hard time, we were missing the fact that he really has given her the most romantic gift of all…. True, unconditional, devotional love. My grandparents have never been apart more than 1 night 1 time in almost 70 years and that one night he called her all night telling her how much he missed her and their family. Everything in their lives, they have done together. They share everything together and there is nothing they hide from each other (well, except the occasional $20 she slips in a grandchild’s hand on the down low).  :)

As I watch them both near the end of their lives I can’t help but be in awe of this true love I see before me. This true love that no hospital tubes and wires could ever come between, This true love that doesn’t need to be spoken through words or gifts, This true love that just “IS”. I hope that my grandmother recovers and that they can spend more days and nights together in their home that they built together with those beautiful hands and be able to use those hands together to help another great Grandchild reach for the cookie jar.  But no matter what, I am so happy to have been able to be a part of this life with them and to see the magic of what true love really is. I can almost see the love bubbles popping in the air……

Yoga Pants and Hair-Dos!

 

 

 

Joe and I went out for some sushi yesterday. There was a group of six young women  who walked into the restaurant at different times to meet each other for lunch. The first one walked in and she was wearing a short sweater, yoga pants and boots to her knee. The second one walked in and she was wearing a short sweater, yoga pants and boots to her knees, the third one walked in and she had decided to change it up a bit by sporting a pair of Uggs. Fourth one comes in; short colorful top (not a sweater) a pair of yoga pants and boots to her knee, Fifth and sixth to enter shorty thereafter… exact same thing, sweater, yoga pants, boots  except one of the last two to enter got the memo from her other friend to TRY and be a little different and join her in wearing her Uggs!

 Now I don’t have  a problem with the look.  I think it’s great, but if I were to walk into a restaurant to meet 6 of my friends and I was above the age of 10 (when we all went through that phase with your BFF where you wore the same things, yeah, ugh, I would like to forget that phase)   and we all had on the exact same outfit, I would feel like a fool!

 I have noticed with the young women of today that they have very little variety of style. Not much thought or creativity when putting an outfit together. I know when I was a young woman   I wore all kinds of stuff and if you wore the same thing I would get upset and have to get something else or change mine somehow. We ripped things, we bleached things we all shopped at different stores or put our own spin on the more common things.   It was a proud moment when a friend said, wow, you look great, cool outfit, because nobody else had it!

 As women we tend to have more options today as far as style in clothing. We also have more money than our younger counterparts, paired with the Internet, so we can really get different looks. I still like the younger styles and I love the high boot trend right now. I love that I can wear a different look every day. Today I have thin corduroys  on with a super bright poncho. Yesterday I wore jeans with a skull shirt ( which had some bedazzling going on) and shiny Doc Marten type boots. The day before, mini skirt, high boots and a sweater ( I can’t wear yoga pants cuz….BIG ASS)! You get my point, I have a variety of styles I change up.

 As women in our late thirties early forties, we fall into the yoga pant, sweater, high boot scenario with our HAIR!   I went to get my hair done Saturday, which is what I think started all of this examining of today’s looks.  I wanted something different. I thought of LA and all the beautiful styles in clothing, glasses, sunglasses, shoes and hair that men and women have out there. When I went to visit my son the fashion was the first thing I noticed and loved (we are very conservative here in Delaware and that’s being generous). I have that same look 90% of us have, the worn out Jennifer Aniston look. I have it longer (well I went shorter not too long ago, but it is getting longer again) with some highlights and that long, sometimes a bit shorter, hanging bang thing swooped to one side over one eye. Hell, I put less mascara on that right eye sometimes because half the time it is covered with my super swoop bang! We all dress a bit differently  when we go out but we trade the yoga pants for hair! The only real difference in our hair style  is shades of color and which side you have it hanging towards!

I wasn’t very brave in my quest for change. I did not get a cut because of the letting it grow out thing, but I did change up the highlights/color. I Went from a medium brown with gold highlights to a deep auburn shade with some lighter auburn highlights. I was afraid to go too drastic and figured each visit I will work my way up to a new and dramatic shade, but I was disappointed in myself for lacking the courage to just go for it, like I would have when I was younger.
 
I guess we all conform to some degree, but it is a shame because we are able to really wear anything we want. We have access to everything and anything, all different eras of clothing from all over the world. It is all out there and when you think of the possibilities we have and don’t take advantage of, we are nuts!

 

 I almost forgot about this blog until I started ranting, and my ranting became too long for my status update so I decided to open this Blog thing back up for a day!

 

AllieMac'Gina