It’s hard to believe it’s been 1 year since my Mom’s cancer diagnosis.
It seems like yesterday, yet seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it’s hard to
wrap your brain around the concept of time when you are so busy with life, so
many things you take for granted, so much time wasted on stupid, menial things
and before you know it, it’s a year later. So much has happened in this past year, but
the day of the diagnosis sticks in your head like a bad song you can’t shake
off and remains there, poking it’s head out every now and then to remind you it’s
there, to remind you that NOTHING is promised in this life. The funny thing is…
LIFE DOES GO ON, without promises and regardless of anything….life goes on.
When something tragic happens, everyone slows down for a bit and it
feels like the world has stopped, but it hasn’t, life continues on around it. The
day of the Sandy Hook shootings and for weeks after, it felt like the world
stopped, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I cried, I was angry, I was glued
to the television, I empathized with every one of those parents, I grieved with
those parents. I pictured myself being one of those parents, what would I be
thinking at that moment? Would I sit in my child’s room and cling to anything
that smelled like them and sob and sob and sob? Would I be suicidal? Would I just
not care about anything or anyone anymore and just want to die , myself? Did
they have to see their children in the morgue? How could they let them go? Ugh,
I tortured myself to tears daily. The day of the Boston Marathon bombings, I did
the same. I watched them take down the remaining suspect and I cheered that
they caught him. I wanted them to destroy him for what he did to those innocent
people. But life didn’t stand still for any of the surviving victims/families
of those tragedies. Those Sandy Hook
parents still had to take care of their other children, eat, sleep, go back to
work. The injured Boston Marathon victims still have a long road ahead, to
heal, to learn to live life in a totally different way, mentally and physically.
And the families of those killed have to suffer a loss like no other. In the weeks and months after a tragedy like
this happens, the world eventually stops talking about it, but the victims don’t
stop thinking about it, they never will. It will keep poking itself in their
thoughts, reminding them that nothing is promised in this life.
I am what is called an “absorber”, always have been, which I have come
to learn is a bad thing. I absorb the problems of others as if they were my own
and it affects me very deeply. I guess in some ways it’s a good thing, because I
do believe it has taught me compassion and empathy which are two very important
qualities to have as a nurse. However, it deeply affects my emotions and at
times leaves me paralyzed, finding it very difficult to continue on with daily
activities. My grandmother (who I got my “worrying” genes from) once told me
when I was terribly saddened by something that happened to someone else, “Steffi,
it’s not your cross to bear, you will have your own crosses, save your energy
for your own crosses”. Her words are right, but it’s a hard trait to shake.
My Mom’s cancer has been one of my crosses to bear. Not only because I
love her and I don’t want to lose her, but because I feel so badly for her to
have to go through all she has with this diagnosis. Cancer is mean. It robs
your looks, your health, your emotions and your general enjoyment of life, if
you survive it. Even if you beat it, it always lingers in the corner of your
thoughts taunting you that it could come back and that it will always be a part
of your life. I HATE CANCER! I hate it like I hate the shooter at Sandy hook,
like I hate the Boston Marathon bombers, like I hate anyone or anything that
robs someone of something and gives them no choice but to think about it every
single day of their lives. I HATE IT!!
I could dwell on my hated of cancer forever, but it would eat me alive
and I refuse to let it do that. I will try and look at things through my Mom’s
eyes, who even after multiple surgeries,
infections, medications (some requiring bone scans and blood work to even be
able to take) and more “procedures” than I can even remember, still always sees
the glass half full, not half empty like me. I am trying to focus on the
positive things that have come out of this year. Like the amazing friends and
family we have that came out of the woodwork to support my Mom in this journey
to fight this bastard. We walked in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk
last October as Team Jody’s Jugs with the most wonderful group of family and
friends anyone could ever ask for supporting us. We raised $4,667.68, which was
16th place out of 347 teams. It’s actually an incredible amount
considering the only teams that raised more than us were large organizations. So,
in light of the amazing generosity and support I have seen from the wonderful
people in my life, I will try and focus not on my hatred of cancer but on continuing
to support my Mom in her FIGHT AGAINST cancer. I will be proud of both of us because this 1 year
anniversary also marks the 1 year anniversary of us quitting smoking (with the
exception of a drunken slip up here and there with my favorite Hooka’s). Anyone
who knows me knows THAT is an accomplishment of a lifetime for me. And I will
also try to stop being an “absorber”, unless it’s to absorb some of my Mom’s
positive outlook on life. I will try and look at all of this in a positive
manner, be grateful for the closer friendships I have formed from it and I will
try and learn something from it because life will continue to go on, without promises and regardless
of anything. As my Mom said to my gasping reaction to her when she was looking
at revealing bathing suits to show off her new Boobies, “ I am using this
experience as a chance to reinvent myself”. Go Mama Go!!
